Gratitude

Somehow I've lost track of time with this whole blogging thing. Yes, I know it's not the first time this has happened, but I've been thinking a lot on getting back to it since I actually love to write. Not to go into all the reasons why I fell off of radar I'd like to write a little piece on gratitude. You could say that I have had many life lessons lately and they all tie into one huge lesson under the same umbrella. Yes you guessed it: GRATITUDE.


I could go on and on, on gratitude, but I will try to contain my post to a readable and somewhat enjoyable little piece. Lol.

I  try to remember to be grateful ALL the time, even on a bad day. Not long ago there was a time when someone would ask me to make a list of what I was grateful for and I would put

1. My beautiful kids.

2. ....

That was the extent of my list. For the life of me I couldn't come up with anything else to be grateful for. I was very unhappy and of course everything around me was NOT what I wanted it to be. I felt lost and I had no control over anything. (Here is a little clue, to believe you have control over anything is pure illusion). I was just existing in time. Not exactly living, just existing. During this difficult time for me I realized I was blessed to have some amazing friends, who stood there by me, guided me, held my hand, provided a shoulder to cry on and on so many days just let me be, which all led to a huge realization that no matter what is going on in your life THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR. ALWAYS! During that time of growth I came across this little piece of paper that said:

Today I am so grateful that

I saw............................................

I heard.........................................

I tasted........................................

I smelled.....................................

I touched.....................................

I honor my senses. They keep me in the moment and they allow me to remember.

That single little piece of paper was probably the most important thing for me to change my cynical outlook on life few years back. It started with simple I am grateful I was able to see my beautiful kids, or I am grateful I was able to taste my food today.... Some days it was a sunny day, and that was all I had to go on for the time being... BUT in no time everything changed, I found I had so much abundance to be grateful for. This is also one of the most important things I share with others. GRATITUDE. It all starts there. :)

"As for yesterday.... A wise man once said: I am grateful for today, it was great, but I am looking forward to tomorrow, because it's going to be better."

Here is something I had on my facebook status awhile back that can help you get on the gratitude wagon...

You must constantly ask yourself these questions:

Who am I around?

What are they doing to me?

What have they got me reading?

What have they got me saying?

Where do they have me going?

What do they have me thinking?

And most important, what do they have me becoming?

Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay?

Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by CHANGE.

I hope at least one of you my dear friends decides to make that change in your life for a better YOU, better LIFE. As for me I am a warrior. I fall, I get hurt, but I always find the strength to get up and go on. It is the only way.

Be well my friends, love and hugs to all...

There is beauty everywhere...

What started as a journal entry about wanting to write and not knowing what to write, has turned into a short story, followed by realization that in essence was this blog's jump start story from beginning. Have I confused you yet? Lol. Keep reading then, I might succeed.

I have been having this huge urge to write, but of course I don't really know what I should write about. Should I write these stories that have been living and growing in my mind? Maybe I should write about things that could inspire others? Or perhaps I should write about my life before and after "Michael"... Either way I look at it I can't decide. Maybe, just maybe, I should start with...

So, I came down by the river, to get some inspiration and to recharge my batteries so to speak. As I sit here on the stairs going down, about ten feet from the river I keep thinking;  It's beautiful here, peaceful, makes me calm and happy.  I love the sound of waves crashing into the rocks beneath the stairs, every time Barge floats down the river toward west side. Or is it south side?  I’m not sure. This is the third or fourth one I’ve seen in the last thirty minutes or so.  Looking up I see two ducks, together they’re swimming down the river too. They seem happy and calm, with no worries in the world, just going down with the flow of the river.

Speaking of the flow; that is definitely something I need to do more.  Just flow with the river, or life’s little (or big) obstacles. Let go of the past and everything that is not for me any longer, people and things that do not resonate with me. Let go of everything and anything that is not for my highest good.  But, I’m telling you, it’s hard. It’s especially hard when it comes to letting go of people who were part of my life for many years…

This river calms me, grounds me and gives me the boost I need to face everyday life. Many times, because of the situation (living arrangements) I’m currently in, I feel guilty leaving home to be here. At the same time, once I’m here I could stay for hours and I have been in the past. Gentle breeze in my hair and on my skin makes me feel one with nature.  Sounds and playfulness of the river takes me back to my own childhood and my favorite place in the world.  Thinking of that place now is making me ask some questions of myself.

Is this my favorite place because I was always happy to be there?

Maybe it’s because I found my first love there?

Or is it because it was my escape from the unfair world I grew up in?

Looking at the gray skies and a little bit of sun peeking through white clouds, reflecting beautifully over tree tops into the movement of the river I realize how much I really love this place too.  At least this part of the area I live in. The way it’s making me feel; happy and content, lets me forget troubles that worry me. Serene and rejuvenated I am ready to face the next day. At least this place gives me inner peace and I get to remind myself once again, no matter where I am in life, on what geographical location, or where on my spiritual journey, there is always something good I can be grateful for. Always. And you CAN too.

 

I suppose this little entry into my journal has turned into revelation after all. These kinds of posts happen to be my favorite to write about and remember…

Dream BIG!!!

Dram BIG!!! Is that really so bad? Why do some people put those big dreams down? I mean, is there anything really that is impossible to do or accomplish?


Dream BIG. That has always been my "problem". Other people saw it as a problem, not me though. I've always been called a dreamer, even when I was just a little tiny girl. My mom told me once, when I was four I saw a picture on TV and I told her: "Mommy, I want to live there". It was Japan. Growing up, all I ever did was read books and carry a notebook with me so I could write my stories and poems in. I had a whole collection of "Notebooks" all over the house...

Then I grew up, got married, and had children... FORGOT all the things that mattered to me over time. I woke up one day not knowing who the heck I was. I didn't like the person I have become. I would look in the mirror and I didn’t even know who this woman was staring back at me with those big sad eyes...

One day I went to buy shoes... and everything changed for me. lol. I met this wonderful person, so full of life and just plain awesome. He was just like me I thought. He liked the same things in life; he did some of the things I always wanted to try. We got along tremendously and he made me realize that he was everything I didn't even know I wanted, but most importantly, he was just like me, and he was AWESOME.

He made me think... a lot. I felt I knew him all my life and then I realized he WAS what I always wanted to be. Needless to say, it made me realize what i needed to change and do to get there. Without going into much detail he made me realize that just like him I was AWESOME too.

I guess I don’t fall into the category of “normal” people. I was told many times by many different people that I should be playing with other kids, or when I got a little older, to stop dreaming and join the real world. The world where, unless you have an 8-5 job that pays your bills, really doesn’t count. Who is anybody out there to tell me, or anyone else for that matter, what we can and cannot do?

I have changed the things that didn't work for me any longer, still working on some other things. This year is ALL about ME, and not in a selfish way. I am finally writing my first novel that I am going to publish. I have unlimited monthly pass to a Yoga studio in town. My friend and I are going at least three times a week. I also did a belly dancing class, always wanted to try it and I can tell you I had a blast. I purchased things that are meaningful to me, things that make ME happy. I try to remember to meditate each day, even if it’s just for ten minutes at the time. I walk each day about seven miles. Just yesterday I took on two new challenges; Run 5K in 8 weeks and 100 push-ups in six weeks. I can do this, I know I can. I have also learned something new about relationships. Never go into one with any expectations and definitely do not punish someone new for the old mistakes and pain someone else has caused you.

So, I suppose I’m gonna go on being a dreamer and trying to accomplish all my dreams. I am slowly getting myself back and yes it is hard, but it is the best feeling in the world to feel that you’re actually doing something you’ve always wanted to do. Dreams do come true as long as you're willing to do something about it. Have a blessed day everyone, and keep on dreaming.

Signs...

It's Saturday night, I'm sitting in the house and thinking of writing a story, but I have to be inspired to do it... Anyway, lately someone special has been on my mind, his name is everywhere I look. I can assure you this is not a good thing if you're trying to forget. Since I believe in signs, I keep asking myself, what does this mean? I want to forget, but why does everything remind me of him? I mean little things, in two of my classes there is a guy with his name, every single movie I have watched recently his name is in the credits, I saw someone wearing the same shoes, shorts, I  also met someone who actually looks a lot like him.... What are these signs trying to tell me??? Couple of days ago I took the long drive home from school and while I was waiting to cross the street there were like 10 cars turning, so I waited, didn't pay attention at all until I had this feeling in my stomach that made me look up... And there he was, turning. He looked too, our eyes locked on each other and I followed him turn and vanish from my view. I thought to myself, why and how? He doesn't even live in the same city any longer, he couldn't have recognized me... I have short hair now and I had these huge sun glasses on, so there is no way he could know... but he looked, and I have a feeling that he knew it was me. We got along tremendously, we were good friends, maybe more for a short time, but due to many circumstances we couldn't be together and he choose not to talk to me. That's the part that hurts the most. Many of those things that were in our way are gone now, and I still wonder what if??? I don't want to wonder any longer, he knows how to find me, but he chooses not to. When I met him all I wanted was to buy pair of shoes, but now all I want is to forgive, forget and go on... I just want to learn to let go...

Kind Words

It amazes me time after time how one single word spoken to me can change the whole outcome of my day.  I mean I can have the "one of those" days when things just don't go very well for me; or I can just feel sort of down and someone special says, or texts, or calls me and tells me something sweet and my whole attitude changes.  The other day I was having a bad day and somewhere in the middle of the day I got simple text that said "Hi Honey".  It made me smile for the rest of the day.  How amazing is that??? Tonight again, I was feeling down so I decided to go out for a run/walk.  While I was walking my phone paused the music and delivered a text that was simple and sweet... But that little text made me smile big, lol. And it made me happy.  So, we should all try to let someone know that we care.  Remember, smile at everybody, strangers too, because that might be the only good thing someone receives all day... Share the joy with everyone you get in touch with.  Knowing that someone cares about you is probably the best thing you can experience in this world.

Btw, the weather here is gorgeous so I have been outside walking and running.  It feels great... And tonight I'm loving you...

Each day is a blessing!!!

Your Breath is a bridge between your Conscious Mind and your Unconscious Mind.

Take a deep breath in and slowly exhale... That is all you need to do. With each breath you take think to yourself It's a Beautiful Day!!! See where that takes you...

It's ALL About Me

Since the beginning of time... well OK, maybe not that long, I have been taking care of everything and anything, taking more and more things on, keeping busy and in the process I have completely lost myself.  So, I figured this year I am taking care of myself.  I don't mean just physically, I have been already doing that.  Everything I do this year I will do with a focus on me.  This year is going to be great, I can feel it. So far, I have cut my "bad cords" and I am so full of energy and just to think of all the possibilities... It truly does feel amazing.  I have joined The Science of the Mind class, only been to one class, but I think it's gonna be cool.  I am so ready to change my stinking thinking, it's been way too long that I have been putting myself down, letting others use me, not believing in myself, saying can't, not thinking I'm worth it... The list goes on and on. Even though my year didn't exactly start the way I want it, it is turning out for better as the days go by.  A lot of new things are happening. I am meeting new people, starting new things and for the first time in my life I feel like I am truly doing things my way.  One other little thing, even though I am not ready to share the details just yet, I have been so happy the last few days and I  have all the intentions on keeping it that way.  Let's just say I am smiling a lot more these days.  Like I said, this year IS all about me...

WHY

Why do I let people back in my life after they have already hurt me once? I guess to get hurt by them again.... Obviously I haven't learned my lesson YET.

REFLECTIONS!!!

What a year 2010 was... It's actually hard to summarize everything that has happened, everything that I have learned and everything that made me who I am today. Where do I start???

It was very emotional year, that's for sure. I have finally made that one big hard decision, the one that changes everything. After years of trying to overlook some things, and dealing with some other things, and trying to "fix", or make things work... I finally feel like I have made a step in the right direction. At least I hope I did. I have left my husband of over 11 years. Don't think of him as a bad or mean person, he is far from that. I don't think he is capable of being a bad person, but we have grown apart to the point of no return. It was one of two hardest things I had to do in my life. For my kids, myself and yes him too. He has lost himself as much as I have lost myself over the years and it was the only way to get back "us", not the together us but more so the individual us. It hurts me to see him hurt, especially knowing I'm the one who caused him that pain, but I had no other choice... I do hope and wish that he can forgive me eventually. Paul, if you ever read this please know that I have loved you very much, I will always love you in some way, and you will have a special part in my heart. We have created two beautiful children together, that needs us and I know we can give them everything they need, just not together... Please try to understand my point of view, and please forgive me.

Last year, I have also met someone, who showed me that I could "feel" again. He "brought back" the things in me that I have always wanted, but put aside. The things on my to do list before I die, the things that made me happy. He was everything I ever wanted. Unfortunately, I fell in love with this man, but it was never meant to be. There were to many circumstances around us that it was impossible to go forward with anything. We got along tremendously as he said at one point, but it wasn't enough. We couldn't go forward, but we couldn't be just friends either. I made a mistake of letting him back in my life the second time, knowing that I shouldn't. I was right, I got my heart broken again. Saying my good bye to him was the second hardest thing I ever had to do. Knowing him, had thought me one lesson though. Be careful what you wish for, you might actually get it. So, Adam if you ever read this, please know one thing. You will always be someone special to me. I can't hate you, even though I tried. You have thought me valuable lesson. I am awesome, and so are you. I will always remember when you said: It takes one (awesome person) to see one.

I have met many interesting people last year, some have become my best friends, some are very dear to me and some I have "lost". It was hard loosing few people that I have considered my friends, but for what ever reason, they didn't feel the same way about me. I was hurt.

Daniel and Jenifer, I love you both, you will always be two of my best friends. Jeni, I feel really bad about the things you are going through at this time, but know that I will be here for you...

Tammy, THANK YOU. Thank you for everything you have done for me. For all the times you have been there for me and everything else in between. Love you girl.

J, THANK YOU, for the last two years...

Lita, I love you very much. I can't even describe how much I value your friendship and how much you have helped me the last couple of years.

My daughter Dajana, thank you too for everything. I love you and miss you very much these days.

My son Admir, I really miss you and I do hope to see you very soon. Love you.

Gabe and Aye, love you soooo much. One day when you are older you will understand all of this.

There are so many other people that have affected my life too and I just wanna say a big thank you to you guys too.

As, you can see, I don't have just one best friend and I truly believe that is OK. I love my friends, and I always will.

One last thing I need to say here is I do not like who I am becoming. I have grown as a person and every day that goes by I learn something new about life, about myself. Even though some things I have discovered are not "good" things, it's still wonderful. For once again, I love life. My friend has told me": It's not good or bad, it just IS. I have yet to fully learn that. BUT, because of all my "fails" I have also become very cynical. I block myself from any possible pain that might or might not happen. I have build these walls around me so big, tall and thick that is almost impossible to break through. I run away or push away anyone who tries to get close to me, before it's too late. I have realized something too, The ONE thing I want the most is also the one thing I fear the most. LOVE.

Someone just told me what my motto should be for this year. lol

"Be prepared for what you wish for, as you may very well get it". Thank you Kyss. I like it.

One thought for the end:

"I don't and can't regret anything that once made me smile".

WOW

Yes, wow is the only thing I can say as of right now. Wow for the time passed since my last entry; wow for the changes that have occurred in my life recently; wow for all the cool, interesting people I have met in this last year; wow for getting enough courage to "weed out" so called friends who were bringing me down; wow for finding my own tune I get to dance to... You get the idea... I am slowly getting back to the whole blogging world and more so to actually sharing my triumphs in the always changing world we all live in.

Today I'm going to leave you with this quote:

"I don't regret anything, it always seamed like a good idea at the time"

Let's talk about the NEW beginnings!!!

In the last two years, I have realized my lost dreams, acted upon them, reinvented myself, and the best thing of all, I have found out what I "don't" want in life... I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes you just have to say WTF?
I went back to school in January, had fun, and did very good. I was afraid of not belonging there after all this time, but I was proven wrong. Now I am actually applying for Honors Program. You know, I need more work. LOL. While in school, I have met a new friend, who has become one of my best friends these days. Pretty darn cool, if you ask me.
Recently, I have also met someone, who has opened my eyes to new possibilities. All I can say is this person is AMAZING.
I am going to leave you with this:

" Life is too short... Break some rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile. Life may not be like a party we hoped for, but while we are here, We Should Dance..."

My walking partner!!!

Meet PoPo aka Kiss!!!

I have to admit it is pretty funny when your puppy starts walking behind you and after about five miles just decides to sit in the grass and look at me as to say: "Are you kidding me? I'm done". But it is a lot of fun to walk with her.

I just realized I don't care!!!

I try very hard not to take things personally, but it doesn't always work. I have't posted in a long time due to some events that took place. I was accused of not posting accurate results and even after proving that I was right with my measurements I was still told that it was not true. I am sorry but to me that was very personal. What I found ironic is that she (my friend) has said that she measured her pedometer against the treadmill and it's correct for what she does. The thing is I have redone my pedometer three different times and I have measured it against the treadmill and it's accurate. All I can say is WHATEVER. I have been doing this for over a year and I CAN walk 10-11 miles in two and half hours. There was no way I could do that when I started. So from now on when I post, there will be no numbers, just time. I know what I am doing is a right thing to do and I don't need to prove anything to anyone else. I can not stand people who judge, those are the people that only think one way and if you disagree with them, well you get the idea what happens next. Just recently I was very hurt by one comment on my facebook account, because the person who posted it had no idea what was going on (still has no clue), the person assumed the truth the way she sees it. I know I shouldn't have taken it to the heart, but it made my blood boil. I started this blog thinking that maybe my success would give someone else the courage to become better in any way it fits. I still hope I can accomplish that. I am gonna leave you with this little saying...

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So LOVE the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

I am doing a Marathon!!!

A friend of mine kind of challenged me today. I was told that my little gadget is maybe not calculating the right numbers, because it seems it is unlikely to walk 10 miles in 2 and half hours. So, I had to prove to her and myself that I was walking as much as I have been saying. Today I drove my car the distance I usually walk and it was the SAME as my little gadget says. According to that, my calculations were correct. But that was not enough for me, so I did some research today.

The average marathon walker will require 6-8 hours to complete the event ( 26.2 miles) which is between 4.37 miles an hour & 3.275 miles an hour. At the peak of training , most walkers are spending 4-6 days and 10-16 hours a week walking. I walk each day for Two and Half hours (17.5 hours total).

So, if you look at those statistics would you agree with me that I am and can walk 10 miles in Two and Half hours?

Anyway, that wasn't enough for me either, so after doing more research during the day this is what I came up with.

Southern Indiana Classic Marathon and Half Marathon

I am doing Full Marathon (26.2 miles) on April 11th, 2010.

The 2010 Southern Indiana Classic Marathon is a Boston Qualifier for the 2011 Boston Marathon and all the proceeds from this inaugural event benefit The American Diabetes Association.

This is very close to my heart and I am very excited for doing this. The 18 week full marathon training program starts December 7th, 2009.

Wish me luck!!!

PS: I only walked little over 8 miles today and I finally did buy the battery for my gadget, lol.

Dancing in the RAIN!!!

Ok, I wasn't dancing, I walked, but it was as much fun as dancing. The battery on my gadget died so I couldn't measure my steps and all. But I know for sure I walked over 8 miles. Anyway, on my walk this morning I was thinking I need to call my friend Lita for a little get together. I was listening to my music and thinking of all the things I wanted to do, sorta making my list in my head. Anyway, I looked up and guess who was right in front of me. My friend Lita, who was walking her dog. So, I joined her, we talked and walked together. The rain didn't matter, the chill in the air didn't matter, the fact that we were both getting wet didn't matter... What mattered was this little bit of time we got to spend together. So, call your friends and family and spend some time with them... We all get so busy with life that sometimes we forget or just take it for granted, what really matters in life.

Not too much to say!!!

I didn't do any walking yesterday, I guess it was my day off. I went out this morning and had fun. lol. They finally opened this trail through the woods and it is really fun to go through there every day.

I will leave you with this quote:

"I have found that if you love life, life will love you back." ~Arthur Rubinstein, Polish-American classical pianist

18353 steps; 11.01 miles; 1047 cal; time: 2:36,08

I feel this is the norm these days!!!!

I was too tired last night to actually come on here and post, but I walked. Today I also walked, but had to squeeze in a doctors appointment in between my walking. After my first round of walking this morning I felt it just wasn't enough. Honestly I think I am craving more and more, so I have decided to participate in the marathon next year. What do you guys think?

Yesterday's numbers:
17.684 steps; 10.61 miles; 999 cal; time: 2:28.16

Today's numbers:
16.096 steps; 9.66 miles; 928 cal; time: 2:18.13

It feels so good!!!

If I walk anything under 4 miles, it just doesn't seem like I really did anything. So the last week or so I did walk some days and I missed some (we had a lot of rain) and finally yesterday I was upset and I was eating junk and I realised there was something really big "bugging" me. So after talking to my friend Tammy last night I knew what it was that was killing me inside. lol. I did not walk at all last three days. So to make myself feel better I went this morning for what I thought would be a little walk (at least four miles) and I ended up walking for about two and half hours. I FEEL great. Moral of this story, "Each and every day do something just for you". It truly makes you feel on top of the world.

17,302 steps; 10.38 miles; 992 cal; time: 2:27,18

Update!!!

Just a quick note. My foot is much, much better. :) I don't have so much pain in it and I have been able to walk between 7 and 10 miles a day. NOT, every day, but close enough. As for surgery on the foot, right now we are just kind of waiting to see what happens. I have been really trying to focus on my home business lately to jumpstart it again, that is why there is lack in updating this blog. I promise I will try harder in the future.

Long time!!!

I want to apologize for not being on here much lately. Sometimes life gets you by surprise!!! I have had some family emergency I had to deal with and also injury to my foot. I have been walking off and on in the last two weeks but not as much as I used to. At this point it looks like I will have to have minor foot surgery, but not a 100% sure. I will update as soon as I can.