Dream BIG!!!

Dram BIG!!! Is that really so bad? Why do some people put those big dreams down? I mean, is there anything really that is impossible to do or accomplish?


Dream BIG. That has always been my "problem". Other people saw it as a problem, not me though. I've always been called a dreamer, even when I was just a little tiny girl. My mom told me once, when I was four I saw a picture on TV and I told her: "Mommy, I want to live there". It was Japan. Growing up, all I ever did was read books and carry a notebook with me so I could write my stories and poems in. I had a whole collection of "Notebooks" all over the house...

Then I grew up, got married, and had children... FORGOT all the things that mattered to me over time. I woke up one day not knowing who the heck I was. I didn't like the person I have become. I would look in the mirror and I didn’t even know who this woman was staring back at me with those big sad eyes...

One day I went to buy shoes... and everything changed for me. lol. I met this wonderful person, so full of life and just plain awesome. He was just like me I thought. He liked the same things in life; he did some of the things I always wanted to try. We got along tremendously and he made me realize that he was everything I didn't even know I wanted, but most importantly, he was just like me, and he was AWESOME.

He made me think... a lot. I felt I knew him all my life and then I realized he WAS what I always wanted to be. Needless to say, it made me realize what i needed to change and do to get there. Without going into much detail he made me realize that just like him I was AWESOME too.

I guess I don’t fall into the category of “normal” people. I was told many times by many different people that I should be playing with other kids, or when I got a little older, to stop dreaming and join the real world. The world where, unless you have an 8-5 job that pays your bills, really doesn’t count. Who is anybody out there to tell me, or anyone else for that matter, what we can and cannot do?

I have changed the things that didn't work for me any longer, still working on some other things. This year is ALL about ME, and not in a selfish way. I am finally writing my first novel that I am going to publish. I have unlimited monthly pass to a Yoga studio in town. My friend and I are going at least three times a week. I also did a belly dancing class, always wanted to try it and I can tell you I had a blast. I purchased things that are meaningful to me, things that make ME happy. I try to remember to meditate each day, even if it’s just for ten minutes at the time. I walk each day about seven miles. Just yesterday I took on two new challenges; Run 5K in 8 weeks and 100 push-ups in six weeks. I can do this, I know I can. I have also learned something new about relationships. Never go into one with any expectations and definitely do not punish someone new for the old mistakes and pain someone else has caused you.

So, I suppose I’m gonna go on being a dreamer and trying to accomplish all my dreams. I am slowly getting myself back and yes it is hard, but it is the best feeling in the world to feel that you’re actually doing something you’ve always wanted to do. Dreams do come true as long as you're willing to do something about it. Have a blessed day everyone, and keep on dreaming.

Signs...

It's Saturday night, I'm sitting in the house and thinking of writing a story, but I have to be inspired to do it... Anyway, lately someone special has been on my mind, his name is everywhere I look. I can assure you this is not a good thing if you're trying to forget. Since I believe in signs, I keep asking myself, what does this mean? I want to forget, but why does everything remind me of him? I mean little things, in two of my classes there is a guy with his name, every single movie I have watched recently his name is in the credits, I saw someone wearing the same shoes, shorts, I  also met someone who actually looks a lot like him.... What are these signs trying to tell me??? Couple of days ago I took the long drive home from school and while I was waiting to cross the street there were like 10 cars turning, so I waited, didn't pay attention at all until I had this feeling in my stomach that made me look up... And there he was, turning. He looked too, our eyes locked on each other and I followed him turn and vanish from my view. I thought to myself, why and how? He doesn't even live in the same city any longer, he couldn't have recognized me... I have short hair now and I had these huge sun glasses on, so there is no way he could know... but he looked, and I have a feeling that he knew it was me. We got along tremendously, we were good friends, maybe more for a short time, but due to many circumstances we couldn't be together and he choose not to talk to me. That's the part that hurts the most. Many of those things that were in our way are gone now, and I still wonder what if??? I don't want to wonder any longer, he knows how to find me, but he chooses not to. When I met him all I wanted was to buy pair of shoes, but now all I want is to forgive, forget and go on... I just want to learn to let go...

Kind Words

It amazes me time after time how one single word spoken to me can change the whole outcome of my day.  I mean I can have the "one of those" days when things just don't go very well for me; or I can just feel sort of down and someone special says, or texts, or calls me and tells me something sweet and my whole attitude changes.  The other day I was having a bad day and somewhere in the middle of the day I got simple text that said "Hi Honey".  It made me smile for the rest of the day.  How amazing is that??? Tonight again, I was feeling down so I decided to go out for a run/walk.  While I was walking my phone paused the music and delivered a text that was simple and sweet... But that little text made me smile big, lol. And it made me happy.  So, we should all try to let someone know that we care.  Remember, smile at everybody, strangers too, because that might be the only good thing someone receives all day... Share the joy with everyone you get in touch with.  Knowing that someone cares about you is probably the best thing you can experience in this world.

Btw, the weather here is gorgeous so I have been outside walking and running.  It feels great... And tonight I'm loving you...

Each day is a blessing!!!

Your Breath is a bridge between your Conscious Mind and your Unconscious Mind.

Take a deep breath in and slowly exhale... That is all you need to do. With each breath you take think to yourself It's a Beautiful Day!!! See where that takes you...

It's ALL About Me

Since the beginning of time... well OK, maybe not that long, I have been taking care of everything and anything, taking more and more things on, keeping busy and in the process I have completely lost myself.  So, I figured this year I am taking care of myself.  I don't mean just physically, I have been already doing that.  Everything I do this year I will do with a focus on me.  This year is going to be great, I can feel it. So far, I have cut my "bad cords" and I am so full of energy and just to think of all the possibilities... It truly does feel amazing.  I have joined The Science of the Mind class, only been to one class, but I think it's gonna be cool.  I am so ready to change my stinking thinking, it's been way too long that I have been putting myself down, letting others use me, not believing in myself, saying can't, not thinking I'm worth it... The list goes on and on. Even though my year didn't exactly start the way I want it, it is turning out for better as the days go by.  A lot of new things are happening. I am meeting new people, starting new things and for the first time in my life I feel like I am truly doing things my way.  One other little thing, even though I am not ready to share the details just yet, I have been so happy the last few days and I  have all the intentions on keeping it that way.  Let's just say I am smiling a lot more these days.  Like I said, this year IS all about me...

WHY

Why do I let people back in my life after they have already hurt me once? I guess to get hurt by them again.... Obviously I haven't learned my lesson YET.

REFLECTIONS!!!

What a year 2010 was... It's actually hard to summarize everything that has happened, everything that I have learned and everything that made me who I am today. Where do I start???

It was very emotional year, that's for sure. I have finally made that one big hard decision, the one that changes everything. After years of trying to overlook some things, and dealing with some other things, and trying to "fix", or make things work... I finally feel like I have made a step in the right direction. At least I hope I did. I have left my husband of over 11 years. Don't think of him as a bad or mean person, he is far from that. I don't think he is capable of being a bad person, but we have grown apart to the point of no return. It was one of two hardest things I had to do in my life. For my kids, myself and yes him too. He has lost himself as much as I have lost myself over the years and it was the only way to get back "us", not the together us but more so the individual us. It hurts me to see him hurt, especially knowing I'm the one who caused him that pain, but I had no other choice... I do hope and wish that he can forgive me eventually. Paul, if you ever read this please know that I have loved you very much, I will always love you in some way, and you will have a special part in my heart. We have created two beautiful children together, that needs us and I know we can give them everything they need, just not together... Please try to understand my point of view, and please forgive me.

Last year, I have also met someone, who showed me that I could "feel" again. He "brought back" the things in me that I have always wanted, but put aside. The things on my to do list before I die, the things that made me happy. He was everything I ever wanted. Unfortunately, I fell in love with this man, but it was never meant to be. There were to many circumstances around us that it was impossible to go forward with anything. We got along tremendously as he said at one point, but it wasn't enough. We couldn't go forward, but we couldn't be just friends either. I made a mistake of letting him back in my life the second time, knowing that I shouldn't. I was right, I got my heart broken again. Saying my good bye to him was the second hardest thing I ever had to do. Knowing him, had thought me one lesson though. Be careful what you wish for, you might actually get it. So, Adam if you ever read this, please know one thing. You will always be someone special to me. I can't hate you, even though I tried. You have thought me valuable lesson. I am awesome, and so are you. I will always remember when you said: It takes one (awesome person) to see one.

I have met many interesting people last year, some have become my best friends, some are very dear to me and some I have "lost". It was hard loosing few people that I have considered my friends, but for what ever reason, they didn't feel the same way about me. I was hurt.

Daniel and Jenifer, I love you both, you will always be two of my best friends. Jeni, I feel really bad about the things you are going through at this time, but know that I will be here for you...

Tammy, THANK YOU. Thank you for everything you have done for me. For all the times you have been there for me and everything else in between. Love you girl.

J, THANK YOU, for the last two years...

Lita, I love you very much. I can't even describe how much I value your friendship and how much you have helped me the last couple of years.

My daughter Dajana, thank you too for everything. I love you and miss you very much these days.

My son Admir, I really miss you and I do hope to see you very soon. Love you.

Gabe and Aye, love you soooo much. One day when you are older you will understand all of this.

There are so many other people that have affected my life too and I just wanna say a big thank you to you guys too.

As, you can see, I don't have just one best friend and I truly believe that is OK. I love my friends, and I always will.

One last thing I need to say here is I do not like who I am becoming. I have grown as a person and every day that goes by I learn something new about life, about myself. Even though some things I have discovered are not "good" things, it's still wonderful. For once again, I love life. My friend has told me": It's not good or bad, it just IS. I have yet to fully learn that. BUT, because of all my "fails" I have also become very cynical. I block myself from any possible pain that might or might not happen. I have build these walls around me so big, tall and thick that is almost impossible to break through. I run away or push away anyone who tries to get close to me, before it's too late. I have realized something too, The ONE thing I want the most is also the one thing I fear the most. LOVE.

Someone just told me what my motto should be for this year. lol

"Be prepared for what you wish for, as you may very well get it". Thank you Kyss. I like it.

One thought for the end:

"I don't and can't regret anything that once made me smile".