Saturday, January 15, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
What a year 2010 was... It's actually hard to summarize everything that has happened, everything that I have learned and everything that made me who I am today. Where do I start???
It was very emotional year, that's for sure. I have finally made that one big hard decision, the one that changes everything. After years of trying to overlook some things, and dealing with some other things, and trying to "fix", or make things work... I finally feel like I have made a step in the right direction. At least I hope I did. I have left my husband of over 11 years. Don't think of him as a bad or mean person, he is far from that. I don't think he is capable of being a bad person, but we have grown apart to the point of no return. It was one of two hardest things I had to do in my life. For my kids, myself and yes him too. He has lost himself as much as I have lost myself over the years and it was the only way to get back "us", not the together us but more so the individual us. It hurts me to see him hurt, especially knowing I'm the one who caused him that pain, but I had no other choice... I do hope and wish that he can forgive me eventually. Paul, if you ever read this please know that I have loved you very much, I will always love you in some way, and you will have a special part in my heart. We have created two beautiful children together, that needs us and I know we can give them everything they need, just not together... Please try to understand my point of view, and please forgive me.
Last year, I have also met someone, who showed me that I could "feel" again. He "brought back" the things in me that I have always wanted, but put aside. The things on my to do list before I die, the things that made me happy. He was everything I ever wanted. Unfortunately, I fell in love with this man, but it was never meant to be. There were to many circumstances around us that it was impossible to go forward with anything. We got along tremendously as he said at one point, but it wasn't enough. We couldn't go forward, but we couldn't be just friends either. I made a mistake of letting him back in my life the second time, knowing that I shouldn't. I was right, I got my heart broken again. Saying my good bye to him was the second hardest thing I ever had to do. Knowing him, had thought me one lesson though. Be careful what you wish for, you might actually get it. So, Adam if you ever read this, please know one thing. You will always be someone special to me. I can't hate you, even though I tried. You have thought me valuable lesson. I am awesome, and so are you. I will always remember when you said: It takes one (awesome person) to see one.
I have met many interesting people last year, some have become my best friends, some are very dear to me and some I have "lost". It was hard loosing few people that I have considered my friends, but for what ever reason, they didn't feel the same way about me. I was hurt.
Daniel and Jenifer, I love you both, you will always be two of my best friends. Jeni, I feel really bad about the things you are going through at this time, but know that I will be here for you...
Tammy, THANK YOU. Thank you for everything you have done for me. For all the times you have been there for me and everything else in between. Love you girl.
J, THANK YOU, for the last two years...
Lita, I love you very much. I can't even describe how much I value your friendship and how much you have helped me the last couple of years.
My daughter Dajana, thank you too for everything. I love you and miss you very much these days.
My son Admir, I really miss you and I do hope to see you very soon. Love you.
Gabe and Aye, love you soooo much. One day when you are older you will understand all of this.
There are so many other people that have affected my life too and I just wanna say a big thank you to you guys too.
As, you can see, I don't have just one best friend and I truly believe that is OK. I love my friends, and I always will.
One last thing I need to say here is I do not like who I am becoming. I have grown as a person and every day that goes by I learn something new about life, about myself. Even though some things I have discovered are not "good" things, it's still wonderful. For once again, I love life. My friend has told me": It's not good or bad, it just IS. I have yet to fully learn that. BUT, because of all my "fails" I have also become very cynical. I block myself from any possible pain that might or might not happen. I have build these walls around me so big, tall and thick that is almost impossible to break through. I run away or push away anyone who tries to get close to me, before it's too late. I have realized something too, The ONE thing I want the most is also the one thing I fear the most. LOVE.
Someone just told me what my motto should be for this year. lol
"Be prepared for what you wish for, as you may very well get it". Thank you Kyss. I like it.
One thought for the end:
"I don't and can't regret anything that once made me smile".